Wednesday, August 23, 2006

A Not So Good Day

Since Mom passed away there are good days and bad days. Today was one of those not so good days. I won't call it bad because I got to hang out with my adorable kiddos, but it was tough. Mom was so delighted to hear stories about the kids, and I have a ton these over the past few days. The tough part is when I want to tell her something that I don't just pick up the phone and call her. I'm unresolved on the whole talking out loud and knowing that she's listening thing, but I think that I'll get there soon enough.

Several times today I wanted to pick up the phone and call her - and that's only happened a few times since she actually died, but many times in the weeks preceding her death when she wasn't the same person. I lost the Mom I knew about the end of June, when her brain started misfiring big time. I was able to love on her and talk to her, but she was losing her words as well as her comprehension very quickly. I realized at that point that it was time to tell her that she did a fantastic job raising me (if I may so so myself!) and that she could go. She was really at peace with all that was going on and while she knew that her brain function was fading rapidly, she still wanted to talk and visit. She was always willing to listen even if she couldn't comprehend what you were saying. On my last visit to her I didn't have much substance to our conversation, but I did get lots of hugs and I managed to squeeze in a bunch of "I Love You's". I knew that when I left it would most likely be the last time that I'd see her.

Fast forward to today. The boys were making crazy Lego creations, looking at the [dead] hornet out front, goofing around with each other, playing games, getting very excited about new Power Ranger videos, and general cool little kid stuff. All this stuff that I normally shared with Mom I had to just keep to myself. I can tell Dad the stories as I always do, but it is different than sharing it with my Mom. As always I have questions for her too, and now I'm not sure who to ask. It's an odd sensation not being able to pick up the phone to ask your mom a little thing here or there...and I miss those little things very much today.

Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully it will be a bit easier than today.

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